Lost
by VerityFrancesB
Summary: Ziva and Tony cope with a tragedy.
1. Chapter 1

This is for my sister who recently went through a miscarriage.

Established Tony and Ziva relationship so could follow on from Long Time Coming and Out of My Hands (don't need to read those though!). Next chapter coming soon.

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The shot that rang out seemed to stop time. The pain in Ziva's abdomen didn't even register till she had emptied her magazine into the back of the retreating suspect. This hadn't turned out as it was supposed to. They had been given a tip about the case they were working on and she and Gibbs had gone to check it out. The suspect had panicked and had fired at Ziva. His bleeding corpse now lay a few feet from where she had collapsed, sliding down the wall, a small comfort for the fact that her own blood was seeping through her fingers. Gibbs came running round the corner and was immediately at her side with his jacket stemming the flow of her stomach wound. Somehow he had managed to call 911 and Ziva heard the faint sirens in the distance.

"Come on David, DiNozzo will kill me if I let anything happen to you." Gibbs' worried voice drowned out the sounds and she glanced up at his face and frowned slightly at the concern clearly etched onto it.

"Don't worry…Gibbs…he could never…hurt you." She gasped as a wave of pain hit her. Gibbs forced a small laugh.

"I guess you're right, but Abby would kill me and leave no forensic evidence." He tried again, "Come on Ziva, surely you don't want that? You just stay with me, ok? Ziva? Ziva, open your eyes, look at me…"

The door slowly opened and Tony stuck his head round it. He had been called by Gibbs on the way to Bethesda and after 5 painfully slow hours was finally allowed to see Ziva. She lay in her hospital bed, with tubes coming out of her, her skin looked pale and the beeping from the machines made it impossible to hear his own thoughts. Not that Tony wanted to be left with them, he didn't want to think about how he had nearly lost her, how white his knuckles had been on the journey over here as he gripped the steering wheel, how quiet Probie had been in the elevator and the car, how broken Gibbs had looked when Tony came charging down the corridor. That was one thing he couldn't take, _Gibbs_ had look broken, and _apologetic_, like it was all his fault, it was Kate all over again. But Ziva was going to be ok, she was going to be ok, he repeated it his head, as if just saying it over and over would make it happen. He quietly pulled the chair close to the bed and grasped Ziva's hand in his.

"You have got to listen to me Zee-Vah; you can't do this right now, ok? Because damned if I know how I am going to be able to go on if you're not here to kick my butt every time I get out of line, or laugh at me when I'm being stupid, or laugh _with _me when I superglue Probie to his keyboard." He sighed and brushed her hair off her face, "Come on honey, just open your eyes for me, ok? Would it help if I tell you I love you? Cos you know I do, you know that, hell I told you just this morning; as you were getting out of bed, remember? Come on sweet cheeks; don't leave me alone with Gibbs and Probie, that just isn't fair." The limp hand in his lay motionless. A nurse quietly opened the door and checked all the machinery.

"Are you her boyfriend?" She asked, her voice low, almost as if she didn't want to wake Ziva.

"Yeah, I am." He replied, the pride in his voice so obvious. The nurse gently placed a hand on his shoulder, "I am so sorry about the baby." Tony's head whipped round to look at her.

"What baby?" He demanded.

"Oh…you didn't know…I am so sorry…I…uh."

"What baby?" Tony repeated. The nurse took a deep breath; it looked as though she was steadying herself.

"When she came in, she was muttering about the baby, saying that it was all her fault that she lost it, that you were going to be so mad, she told me to tell you that she was sorry." The nurse looked up at Tony, her eyes silently begged to be allowed to leave the room and the confusion and anger that was rolling off him in waves that was almost tangible. She shrugged her shoulders in a failed attempt at an apology and practically ran out of the room. Tony raked his fingers through his hair.

"God, Ziva, why didn't you tell me?"

Gibbs softly knocked and waited for an answer. When none came, he turned the handle and walked in. Tony was fast asleep with his head on the edge of the bed, Ziva was lying surrounded by machines and tubes. He placed a tentative hand on Tony's head and he stirred.

"Boss?" Tony asked, wiping the sleep from his eyes, his hair stood up in all directions, he looked like a lost boy. "She was pregnant boss."

"I know, DiNozzo, I know." Gibbs replied, he had been told by the nurse. He felt sick to his stomach that a defenseless life had been taken from them.

"Why didn't she tell me?" Tony sounded like a child.

"Maybe she wasn't sure yet, maybe she didn't want to be put on desk duty, because I can promise you Tony, if I had known, she would never have been with me." Gibbs look tired, Tony briefly wondered when the last time he had slept was. He suddenly felt hot and sick, he had to get out of here.

"Uh Boss?...Will you stay with her…I…uh…have got to go…home, just for a bit…if she wakes up, tell her…I love her and I will be back, can you do that for me?" He looked desperately at Gibbs, as if pleading with him to understand what was going on in his mind. Gibbs knew, he knew that Tony must be feeling a whole lot of confusion right now, angry at Ziva for not telling him, and for putting her self in the situation where this could have happened, angry at him for letting Ziva come, upset that the life that he had made with her no longer existed. Gibbs watched him walk down the corridor, he watched McGee trying to stop him and ask him where he was going, he watched Tony ignore him and walk straight past. His heart bled for the boy.

Tony slammed his fist into the back wall of his shower. The pain in his hand did nothing to dull the ache that was making it hard to breathe. Ziva was in hospital, after being shot, after having just lost their baby, _their _baby, did she not think her had the right to know? He felt so angry at her, at Gibbs, at that bastard that had shot her, he punched the wall again, Ziva had been shot and almost died and he was doing what? Feeling sorry for himself. He dragged himself out of the shower and threw on some clean clothes. Just as he was leaving his apartment his cell phone rang.

"Yeah boss?...I'm on my way." Ziva was awake.

Ziva had woken to Gibbs sitting next to her staring out of the window. Her stomach hurt and her head throbbed like she had been hit by a baseball bat. Once the nurses had checked her out, she turned confused eyes towards her boss.

"What happened?" Her voice rasped due to the tube that had been down her throat.

"You got shot, we went to meet a suspect and he shot you, in the stomach." Gibbs looked down at her, his blue eyes clouded with guilt, "God Ziva I…if I have known I never would have taken you…" He broke off, Ziva reached over and took one of his hands in hers.

"Did I lose the baby?" She asked, her voice hitched and Gibbs saw tears beginning to form. He dimly nodded at her and squeezed her hand gently, "Does Tony know?"

"He does now," Gibbs replied, "the nurse told him."

"Where is he Gibbs?" Ziva asked as a tear rolled down her cheek. Gibbs brushed it away.

"He is on his way. I'll go call him for you." Gibbs stood up and walked towards the door, he turned just before he opened it, he looked lost for words.

"Ziva…I…" He stammered

"Don't apologize Gibbs, it is a sign of weakness." Ziva smiled faintly as Gibbs walked out. When the door shut, Ziva sighed deeply and closed her eyes, talking to Tony was not something she was looking forward to, although she couldn't ignore the pain that she felt when she woke up without him here. She knew he must be angry at her, for not telling him and for putting herself in that position, but she hadn't been ready to tell him, she hadn't known how he was going to react. She squeezed her eyes tighter and placed her hands on her stomach, she felt empty. A few hours ago there had been life growing inside her, Tony's and her baby and now…there was nothing. She heard the door open and kept her eyes shut, like a child hiding, thinking that if her eyes were shut no one could see her.

"You're awake." Her eyes flew open and found Tony's. The look in his said so much more than the simple statement had. She saw pain, anger, worry, confusion.

"Apparently so," She grimly smiled at him, tentatively testing the waters between them, "Tony…I…I'm so sorry." She managed to say before sobs were raking her body and he was at her side, his hands were on her face, his thumbs brushing away the large tears that were running down her face.

"Shhh, it will be ok, we will be ok." His hands had found their way to her hair and he tangled his fingers in it, brought her head to his chest and willed her to hear his heart beat, as if by hearing it she would know that he loved her. She clutched at his arms as the tears rolled down her face. "Listen to me," Tony said, "You and me, we can survive anything, you and me against the world, ok? We will talk later when you are feeling up to it, but just know now that I love you, more than you can imagine and I am never going to let you get hurt again." His words slowly stilled her heaving body and she relaxed into him.

"I killed him," Her voice was quiet and Tony had to strain to hear her.

"Killed who, love?"

"The bastard…the bastard who…shot me." She broke off, dangerously close to breaking down and sobbing again, she took a deep breath which seemed to steady her a little.

"I know love, you did good."

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The next chapter will be coming soon

V!

xox


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry it has taken so long, work has been really busy!!

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Lost Chapter 2 – It's all breaking.

The door burst open as Tony kicked it. He barreled through it carrying Ziva's things. She was finally coming home from the hospital, for Tony it had been far too long since she had been here, in reality it had only been 2 weeks. They still hadn't mentioned the pregnancy. It was like a dark cloud looming over them. Whenever one tried to talk about it the other changed the subject.

"Tony, I am not a cripple, I can carry that bag, you know?" She said, slightly exasperated. She wasn't used to someone taking care of her, and if she was honest with herself she found a little irritating.

"I know, Zee-Vah, but I love you and you have just been shot and…I want to carry your bag, so swallow your pride and let me help you…please?" He turned puppy dog eyes and a pouting mouth towards her and her resolve crumpled.

"That is not fair, you know I can't resist when you do that." She walked up to him and put her arms round his neck, he grinned victoriously at her as his arms wound round her waist and gently pulled her to him. He kissed her forehead.

"I love you, you know that right?" He asked, sounding as if he feared the answer. She looked up at him.

"I know, and I love you." She replied with a sad smile, "I think I am going to go to bed, ok?" She kissed him gently and de-tangled herself from his arms.

"OK, I am going to stay up for a bit, I will be in later." He gave her a gentle push towards her bedroom.

"You don't have to stay, you know? I am quite capable." She called from her bedroom.

"I know, but Gibbs will kill me if I leave" Her head came round the doorframe and she raised an eyebrow, "And of course I want to stay." He added hastily with a smile.

Ziva sat on her window seat and gazed at the dark street below. She rubbed her hands over her face to dispel the wave of tiredness that hit her. She was exhausted but didn't want to sleep. She kept having nightmares. She knew she had to talk to Tony but she couldn't bring herself to do it…yet anyway. She knew he must be confused and hurting. Sure they were acting normal around each other, but only just normal. She felt like there was a vast canyon between them at the moment that neither one could cross. She knew she had to be the first one to try. The silence of the flat was broken by crash and a muffled curse from the kitchen. Immediately Ziva stiffened and instinct made her reached for the gun that was lying by her thigh, until she remembered that Tony was still here. She made her way to the kitchen. She peeked round the door frame to find Tony crouching on the floor, head in his hands surrounded by what looked like pancake batter.

"You ok?" She asked gently. He jerked his head up and shrugged his shoulders.

"Yeah…Sorry, I…was hungry; I'll get this, go back to bed." Ziva looked at him; she knew there was something wrong.

"Tony?" She asked softly, hoping that she could push him to talk.

"GOD" He shouted and kicked the bowl that had had the batter in. "This is ridiculous, we are like strangers Ziva. We keep dancing around each other, trying to pretend that nothing's wrong. You won't tell me how you're feeling; you didn't tell me you were pregnant. What the hell aren't you telling me now?" He looked at her, and she made to walk out of the kitchen when his hand closed around her wrist. "Please Ziva, don't walk out," He pleaded, "Because if we don't talk about this now, then…we won't ever and it will fester and get a million times worse." She wrenched her wrist out of his hand.

"I can't talk about it Tony, not yet, why don't you understand that?"

"It was my baby too Ziva." Tony said under his breath, almost as if he didn't want her to hear. She did hear.

"I know Tony, but you weren't the one carrying it, you can't possibly know how empty I feel right now."

"Don't play the female card Ziva; I know you're hurting I'm just asking you to understand that I'm hurting too. I can understand feeling empty, because that's how I felt when I thought that I'd lost you." He took a step towards her and she took a step back.

"I..." She began, "I just can't do this right now ok?"

"No, its not ok Ziva, we need to talk about this." Tony implored.

"Please Tony, not now"

"Ziva…"

"Tony, go home." Ziva snapped. Tony looked at her, confusion and hurt clouding his eyes.

"What?" He asked.

"Tony, I don't have the energy for this right now, please just...go home." She turned and walked out, leaving Tony speechless. How couldn't believe that she had just told him to go home. That was the first time since they had started seeing each other that she had told him to go away. She usually wanted him with her. He opened the bedroom door and found her sitting by her window, once again staring at the street.

"You really want me to go?" He asked, hoping that she would change her mind.

"Please…I need to be alone Tony." She turned towards him and he had to use all of his energy to prevent himself from going to her. She looked so lost and broken. Truth be told it scared him to see Ziva that way. She was usually so tough.

"Fine, I'll go, but don't expect me to stay gone." He swept out of the bedroom and the apartment, Ziva flinched slightly as the front door slammed. She continued to stare out at the street. She saw him getting into his car and he turned and stared at her through the window. She placed a shaking hand to the window.

"I love you Tony." She whispered as a solitary tear rolled down her face.

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More coming soon!

Love

V!

xox


	3. Chapter 3

I think this is the last one so I hoped you enjoyed it.

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Lost Chapter 3 – Getting Better

Ziva sighed and straightened her blouse for the third time since entering the elevator. It was her first day back to work after her accident and for some reason she was nervous. She had never been nervous before and the feeling confused her. She still hadn't spoken to Tony properly. She had rung him the day after she told him to go home to make sure that he was ok, he was short with her on the phone and she told him she would see him in a couple of days when she got back to work. She hated being without him but the few days by herself had managed to clear her mind and now she knew what had to be done. The elevator doors opened and Ziva found her arms full of excited bouncing Abby.

"Oh my gosh, I've missed you" She squealed in Ziva's ear, "How are you feeling?" She pulled back with her hands still on Ziva's shoulders as if to get a good look at her. She smiled one of her large genuine smiles and Ziva felt the apprehension running away.

"I am feeling fine thank you Abby, I have missed you too…" She trailed off and risked a cursory glance round the corner.

"He's here." Abby said and Ziva flashed a guilty smile, "I know you," Abby teased waggling a finger at her, "he's been here for hours apparently, told the guy on the gate that he couldn't sleep. He keeps glancing at his watch; I think he's waiting for you." Abby gently pushed Ziva out of the elevator and as she turned around to protest the doors were closing and Abby was grinning. Ziva scowled at the closed doors and straightened her blouse again.

Tony's stomach did a flip as he heard Abby squealing in delight. That could only mean one thing (actually it could mean one of about ten things but her knew exactly what it meant this time): Ziva was back. He was exhausted, he had been here since 5 this morning, couldn't sleep. He had found that he couldn't sleep when she wasn't there and he hated it. He had been desperately trying to keep himself busy just so he didn't call her, he knew she needed some time and space but it was killing him. He felt so pathetic, he hadn't spoken to her in 3 days and he was acting like a love sick teenager. Ziva walked into the bullpen and was greeted by McGee.

"Hey Ziva, good to have you back, how are you feeling?" He asked. Tony was a little bit aggravated that McGee earned a warm smile and a quick hug from Ziva. Gibbs clapped her on the shoulder and barked a quick "Good to see you" and Ziva smiled again. She glanced at Tony and he mumbled a "welcome back". She graced him with a hesitant smile before sitting down.

The day passed incredibly slowly, Abby was bouncing round the bullpen because there was no case on and she was bored, McGee was trying to calm her down, and not having much success as she had drunk 4 caf-pows. Gibbs was up with the Director doing god knows what. Tony and Ziva were playing a game. Tony would stare at Ziva until she looked up and he look away and then Ziva would start with the staring. It had been going on for hours and Tony was silently wishing that a navy officer would drop dead just so he would have an excuse to do something else other than stare at Ziva. He couldn't help but notice how beautiful she looked. Tired and sad, but still beautiful. She suddenly threw her pen on her desk and pushed her chair violently back. McGee and Abby stopped talking and Tony stared, openly this time. She glanced at all of them and walked towards the elevators.

The flat of her hand hit the back wall and she screamed in frustration. She turned around and slid down the wall, she pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her head on them. She heard the doors open and her head snapped up, Tony was standing in the elevator. The doors closed and he flicked the switch. Without saying a word he sat down next to her and pulled her to him. She resisted for a second but gave in. Her head rested on his shoulder. His hand stroked her cheek and lifted her face so he could look at her.

"Fancy a quickie?" He asked, and she laughed and playfully hit his shoulder. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she looked at him.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered and a tear rolled down her face. His thumb caught it and wiped it away.

"Don't apologize," He replied.

"I know, it is a sign of weakness." She sighed.

"No, don't apologize because nothing is your fault." He lifted her chin and stared into her eyes.

"No, Tony, let me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I…didn't know how you would react…It was wrong…I…I've missed you so much, and I hated every second of you not being with me. Don't ever let me throw you out again ok?"

"Why didn't you…tell me?" He asked. She knew this question was coming.

"I didn't know if you would stay with me for me, or because I was having your baby." She replied. He looked at her and she saw hurt in his eyes.

"You didn't trust me to stay with you?" He sounded incredulous.

"No, it's not that. I didn't want you to feel you _had _to stay with me."

"Look Ziva, I can't say that I wasn't surprised, but what I can say is that I would have stood by you, because I love you, not because you were pregnant, because you fit, right here, next to me. No one else does. Without you I will probably end up a sad, lonely old pervert, at least we can be sad old perverts together." He squeezed her tighter to him. "Ready to go back to work?" He asked and he felt her nod. He reached over and flipped the switch and the elevator doors opened.

"Have you two sorted it out " Asked a slightly angry looking Gibbs, although he did have a twinkle in his eyes. Tony and Ziva both jumped to their feet.

"Yes boss." Answered Tony.

"Good, gear up then. We have a body."

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V!

xox


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